I was walking back to halls from lectures whilst trying to think of ways in which I behave badly when it came to me as I passed Asda - food. The amount of times I've been on a diet that didn't last longer than a week, I've honestly lost count. Due to suffering from anorexia and bulimia between the ages of 11 - 14, I've been every size between 4 and 16. To be perfectly honest, I don't think there has ever been a time in my life when I've been happy with my body, even now. I know I'm not the only one; the majority of British women would love to change their shape. I'm not going to start a rant on how this is because of media influence on society, ie stick-thin models on the catwalk etc, but I truly believe that it makes a significant impact on how we define beauty.
Whenever I go clothes shopping, there is always some part of me that comes away feeling depressed because I don't feel comfortable in certain outfits, which brings me to that age-old line - "Does my bum look big in this?" That question is the reason that I refuse to go clothes shopping with my mother. Walking round the shops with her is an absolute nightmare; she's incredibly fussy and when she finally finds something that she likes, she comes out of the fitting room with an oh-so-sad look on her face and tells me "I'm going on a diet, starting tomorrow". Like me, few of her 'diets' last longer than a week. She does try though - she has a fridge magnet which reads "Fridge Pickers Wear Bigger Knickers".
Anyway, back to me and my diets that don't last, back to the overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame that engulfs me when I give in to temptation and eat five giant oatmeal and raisin cookies in one sitting. Why do I feel so guilty? Is it because I know I have let myself down? Or is it because I know I will regret it during the summer months when (God forbid) I have to wear a bikini in public?
This shame comes with the territory of being a woman, the constant feeling of being surrounded by other women who are slimmer and prettier than you are - don't deny it, I can't possibly be the only one! Ok, so the guilt I experience now is nowhere as bad as when I had severe eating disorders, nothing could be as bad as that. When I was anorexic, I didn't eat for days at a time, hiding my gaunt frame with baggy clothes and cunningly disposing of food so that my mother would think I was eating. Which lasted for a considerable time, but I guess it was inevitable that she should discover what was really going on. So off it was to the doctor, who referred me to a child psychologist who I had to visit every week to be weighed (one of the most humiliating times of my life). Talking to a stranger about why I wanted to lose weight didn't help at all - I honestly thought I was fat even though I was 5"10 and weighed about 6 stone. The reason I started eating again was because I saw the effect it was having on my mother; she had to stand by and watch one of her children starve themselves. The pain I was putting her through was unimaginable so I started eating again.
The only problem was, I still felt guilty. So after eating everything my mother served up I would throw it all back up again. It was my way of keeping her happy. But I couldn't go on like that - the toll it took on my health was horrendous. So I stopped and don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy. I had to re-think my whole attitude towards food. After all, I had basically trained my mind to reject anything which could make me gain weight. But I did it, and suprisingly started to enjoy food. In fact, I enjoyed it so much that I ate and ate and ended up becoming overweight. I hated the way I looked because as I was already rather tall, I just looked huge and bulky. So now I actually was fat, the very thing I had worked so hard not to become. And I hated myself for it. Actually, loathed is a better word.
When I started college however, I became more active and the weight started dropping off. I became more confident because of it and since then my obsession with weight hasn't affected my health any more. Although I still don't like my body, I have come to realise that I probably never will. But until I can stop being bad and resist the bakery aisle in Asda, then I guess I'll just have to put up with being an average 'curvy' girl. Can I live with being a size 12? Yes I can. :-)
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Hi Carly. Yours is an interesting question and i'm sure many women would answer yes. I think an important point you raise is that of "Guilt".Guilt appears behind so many worries and can have such a negative effect, it is certainly a very common feature in eating disorders, along with control. Together these two create a viscious cycle where, because of the rules we have ingested, we feel guilt the minute we percieve we have done something "wrong" and we then try to get back in control to compensate. Unfortunately we are human and can never live up to the expectations of others fully, so will often feel guilty if we try to.
I wasted many years overeating to cope with feelings of inadequacy, then through guilt and feelings of failure i ended up feeling even more inadequate, so ate more!! It wasn't until i learnt to express my feelings in other ways and DITCH the GUILT that i was able to eat sensibly.
I am glad you conquered your eating disorder and that you are a HEALTHY size 12 now. Try not to feel guilty if you treat yourself now and again, after all you're human. All the best.
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